Living deficient in intelligent conversions is making me numb and dumber. Unchallenged and empty. And it makes me want to stay in bed all the time. I swear I go literally days maybe even weeks where every day the entire day there isn't a single conversation I really needed to be part of. Certainly unsolicited insight is well beyond a rarity. Everything is effort and boring and repetitive no matter what I out put. I send so many txts so there is at least a chronical of a version of me in some minds so there is a chance I don't have start from square 1 when I run into the ones who have shown that pattern of thought, even if basic replies are few and far between. That's not an issue so much as why I treat it like a chronical; If I don't already have the answer, there almost certainly isn't one easily accessible. But currently when it comes time for something that may have a chance at being energy generating, I'm so numb from months of bombardment I have nothing in reserve, and things end just as they are beginning with massive gaps in between each meeting because of fucking bulllshit life logistics. If I do drink it makes me extremely depressed for the next 3 days at least, I've already decided that is another drug that is too difficult for me to use properly and my body knows it. So effectively; I can't leave my room. I have no buffer strong enough to sift through people. Medications get me through work alone. And I hate not being able to call anyone in here to react to anything interesting I conceive of, discover or enjoy with any real interest. And all my communication devices are still not working hundreds of dollars and a month later. My biggest problem right now is being tired all the time. And the fucking ali thing. I'm not entirely sure why I'm so angry about that, it really isn't any different to anything else except its a prime example of a chance for focus and depth and I get nothing. Platitudes at best, and MULTIPLE invites for nights where I 'won't have to pay for a single drink' from all the people I'd need to be already drunk to put up with their 'help' to begin with. And its no kind of genuine, its barely even sweet; more just another spotlight of the same colour. I don't know what to look for, how else to ask, where to look and I'm not even sure I want to chronicle anymore.