Dead baby! Beautiful 9 month 1 day yr old baby, dead in the head holder of the scanner. Even for me that's uncommon. Followed by the 15 yo with the liver lesions who came in with mild belly pain now yellow and screaming ''KILL ME, I WANT YOU TO FUCKING KILL ME, TOO MUCH PAIN, CAN'T BREATHE FUCKING KILL ME''. I watched him come in a week or so ago chatting about the weekend, cute n cool to this, 3 drains, a lung as fucked as I've seen and pain no matter what they give him, 5 Dr's looking on, including the 2 Dr house infectious disease guys, fucked up. Mother is a theatre nurse with us, bawling her eyes out. Fucked up.

Next up guy in his 20's with adv aggressive bowl cancer to the point of obstruction. He doesn't know yet though. Came from day surgery. Such a strange dynamic as I smile, 'sorry for the delay, an emergency has to be put ahead of you'. Completely understanding 'he looks way sick man don't worry about it hey'. Tomorrow he may have had a slightly different perspective. On these days I have the stimulation I require, but horror and nowhere to put it. No way to use it. And then after all this, I have to deal with the beuarcrats; and that's what really hurts me.

You meet these born again christians or ppl just back from india or just after reading their first philosophical or spiritual/pseudospiritual txt n they're so full of fervour n power n energy. See that same person 3yrs later with kids and a mortgage n they're all 'yer, I still believe in all that stuff its just meh'. Idk if the system just can not sustain habit without novelty to justify it, or if the exosystem only allows the spiritual to develop to the degree where you can finally shut up, keep a job and get married. But something happens. When you are hit with enough socially incongruous outcomes and an alternative appears ppl seem to take it. Or fake it. But you can tell when that lights gone and someone is fraudulently grasping for it back. But it doesn't come back that way. You have to keep walking, sometimes in the dark. Just for a while. None of us want to, but pretending its day light and walking into trees only makes it longer till dawn.

One of the things I'm doing is I'm trying to collect parapsychological data, and its out there, but sparing. A lot of stories. The master can slow his heart rate nearly to a stop... whenever he isn't wearing a holter moniter. He speaks in the woods and rattle snakes curl around his feet, he walks through lions dens and they don't attack him for he carry's no fear. Can he quickly carry his no fear through this pack of dogs in this lab? Nope. The master doesn't work like that. If he's in the lab he'll be there, if he's not he won't be. But what times the radio spot, 3pm? We'll be there. Book signing 9am? No trouble. The opening of the 7 grand a day day spa followed by another passing of the mercedes dealership? I think you may be in luck, the universe may just grace the master there. So few controlled studies. And why exactly would you find masters in places of great need; alongside a collection of followers? I understand how greater need would facilitate greater seeking, but Surely as with all great bursts in knowledge throughout history its in the rich there would be time for answers. There is an obvious connection between thought and world. It shouldn't be this difficult to research.

Drug Tolerance

A screaming young girl with multiple needles in her spine. She appears to be in so much pain that the dr walks out; refuses to give any more pain relief or complete the procedure. While getting her off the table I notice a fentanl patch like ali use to wear. It turns out this lass is on chronic high dose opiate medication like ali and as such the standard amount would not relieve her pain.

Crying, she tells me she tried to explain to the dr that her tolerance was high but he didn't listen. The dr said with what she was already on he was not prepared to give her anything else. Of course what she was on was just to manage her base level of pain. And we know for a fact drug tolerance exists, that's not in question, by anyone. But even given all that I guess the Dr doesn't want to be left explaining higher than usual dose medication for a certain procedure if something unlikely where to happen,when it is much easier and legally justifiable to just let the patient scream and suffer instead. A paperwork avoidance guarantee. That being said, its not uncommon to do similar procedures with just local. So Idk. The screams where certainly convincing.

Just had huge fight with the head of radiology that can't be undone about how insane it is that someone who can manage a central line, insert a picc or access a port can not put in a cannula. As we aren't part of the hospital but a conglomerate; all she has to do is approve the 1 DAY course and I get an extra $5 a day, that Noone even applies for, but would significantly impact my life to $80 a month.

That's my electricity, phone and internet bill, $5 matters to me. We run the courses every 6 months ourselves, I've been with the hospital for years without a complaint and with commendation and have a graduate education in science, unlike the hospital cannulation team. But No. No explanation, even with full support of the Dr's on my side, no. No discussion. 1hr of no discussion in her office. She's clinical manager, only her opinion matters, just No. I hate this whole world, these people. These fucking people. Everywhere.